- "I find this unbelievable!"
- ―Captain Santa Claus, Space Mutiny
Space Mutiny is a 1988 direct-to-video entry in the Battlestar Galactica franchise directed by David Winters. It follows the Battlestar Southern Sun (under the command of Captain Santa Claus) and the thwarting of an attempted mutiny by Commander Calgon by ace Viper pilot Buff Hardpack.
Space Mutiny influenced Ronald D. Moore's reimagining of Battlestar Galactica in a variety of ways—regardless of whether or not Moore ever actually watched it—including the captain's conflicted attitude toward his child, the hotshot pilot who has trouble with interpersonal relationships, and the traitor hiding among the crew. There's no Cylons, though.
Plot synopsis Edit
Disaster on the flight deckEdit
A large shuttlecraft carrying Bellerians—anorexic space-witches with big hair who only communicate via telepathy—docks with the generation ship Southern Sun. Soon after, the Stingray Squadron of Viper starfighters returns to the Southern Sun but encounters pirates from Corona Borealis in a battle. Splint Chesthair, one of the pilots, approaches the hangar after the battle, notifying Lt. Lemont that he is carrying a passenger: Professor Spooner Wisconsin. Calgon blows up the hangar guidance system, causing Flint Ironstag's ship to crash; the Professor is killed, but the fighter's deatomizer transport system spares Brick's life. Meanwhile, the Bellerians are led to their completely undecorated room by Calgon's fey operative Blake and his Oak Ridge Boys.
- "It's true, we have the power to do this! But that would directly oppose the law of the universe! The law of the galaxy!"
MacPhearson, the disabled chief engineer, holds a meeting of his staff in which he expresses his loyalty to Calgon—who wants to divert the ship to the pirates' home system and force its crew to abandon it. One of MacPhearson's men resists, and MacPhearson stabs him to death with his cane.
On the bridge, Bolt Vanderhuge meets Aussie Guy and Captain Santa Claus, who review the crash sequence on a computer with a 5 1/4" drive. The captain's daughter, Dr. Debbie Lady, arrives and accuses Slate Fistcrunch of cowardice for bailing out of the Viper. Chunk retorts angrily and leaves.
Elsewhere, Steve Godell learns about some missing explosives and reports his findings to Lt. Lemont. Calgon and his paintball minions monitor their conversation and intercept Godell. Calgon then helps him jump off a high catwalk in the first of the film's many, many railing kills.
Lump Beefbroth finds Dr. Lady in the ship's mini-golf course and tries to have another argument with her, but instead they go to the ship's gay bar together. Dr. Lady exposes every inch of her body to Slab Bulkhead, who eventually responds by shaking her hand genially. They then witness the arrest and murder of Lt. Lemont by Calgon's Enforcers.
Things heat upEdit
Crunch Buttsteak and Dr. Lady pursue Calgon in the Enforcers' riding mowers. On the bridge, where a now-undead Lt. Lemont has resumed her post, Captain Claus and Aussie Guy monitor the unusual outbreak of violence.
Calgon having eluded them, Rip Steakface and Dr. Lady go to the morgue for some plot exposition, then battle more of Calgon's paintball thugs.
Captain Claus, now in his informal muumuu, does research on the Bellerians, one of whom appears magically in his room and feels him up. This somehow imbues Claus with mystical power, which he uses to promote Punch Sideiron and foist the job of protecting the Southern Sun onto him. Moments later, a bridge party is held, attended by at least one nude female crew member. (Hits to the YouTube version of the film instantly increase.) Punch and Lady leave the party early to have sex in the ship's mini-golf course.
The Bellerians telepathically hypnotize some of Calgon's men, and a really short battle with Calgon's pirate allies ensues. The Southern Sun is victorious, and another, very similar bridge party is held.
The war beginsEdit
Bold Bigflank gathers some good guys and gives them a stirringly eloquent pep talk while Calgon kidnaps his romantic interest, informs the captain that he has done so, and tortures her for information on the captain's countermeasures. MacPhearson appears for no good reason, giving Dr. Lady and Smoke Manmuscle an opportunity to escape by employing the doctor's breasts.
Thick McRunfast brings Dr. Lady to the bridge, where Aussie Guy reveals that MacPhearson (who the captain had not realized was a traitor) has all the countermeasures. No one in the film seems to realize that, since MacPhearson joined Calgon well before the pirate attacks, Calgon shouldn't need the countermeasures from Dr. Lady at all, unless MacPhearson isn't completely loyal to Calgon.
- "Now it is time for Kal Kan."
- ―The Bellerians
Calgon and his men begin their attack, blasting their way through one abandoned-factory-like chamber after another. Slab Squatthrust takes control of the engine room, and when Calgon is declared dead, the Bellerians inexplicably decree that MacPhearson must die, so Gruff Slamchest immolates him alive while he's trapped in the gas expulsion sump.
- "Take this, you space bitch!"
Calgon surprises absolutely no one by revealing that he wasn't killed in the battle, and takes to the riding mower to exact his vengeance on our heroes. Dr. Lady fires her laser gun at random targets to no avail.
Buck Blastchest finally defeats Calgon by crashing his riding mower into Calgon's just after bailing out, then proceeds to have more sex with Dr. Lady in the mini-golf course.
Nobody ever realizes that their chief engineer was murdered despite the fact that he had the countermeasures and never turned them over to the real villain. The fact that MacPhearson could have been redeemed, and for that matter probably possessed vital technical knowledge, never crosses anyone's mind. They were probably too busy with another party (and all the mini-golf sex, of course).
- Gristle McThornbody .... Reb Brown
- Calgon .... John Phillip Law
- Captain Santa Claus .... Cameron Mitchell
- Dr. Debbie Lady .... Cisse Cameron
- Aussie Guy .... Graham Clarke
- Lt. Lemont .... Billy Second
- Steve Godell ....
Johnny DeppRufus Swart
- The Mystery Science Theater 3000 version of Space Mutiny at YouTube